The Door Of No Return

When I met you, I saw that you could be kind, supporting me and helping me navigate through a tricky world. But in the end, none of it matters. I choose to forget that I was ever with you and that learning you were gay was like a punch to the lungs, at the time, I was floored. I choose to forget you. What a terrible way to live, to be closeted, to always be worried about being found out. To live this double life must be really tiring.

I will never be able to fully fathom your inner demons, but I’ve lived through the consequences and lies once. And, once was enough. It was a half-life with you and I don’t wish this life on any other woman ever. I’ve felt more lonely being with you than I’ve ever felt being on my own.

In Senegal’s Maison des Esclaves (The House of Slaves) the door to the quarters of captured slaves is known as “Goree”, The Door of No Return. That was our door.

Every possible path to the relationship I knew was blocked once I discovered you were gay. Although I did try once to navigate around this, to see what we can work out, in reality there was no way back, there can never be.

It hurt to let go. To feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted.

I can’t imagine having survived the agonizing months after leaving you without learning about all the other women who were ahead of me in this journey. And, this is all thanks to the Internet. Sadly, there are millions of us. We, collectively, can validate the feelings of pain, betrayal, deceit, loss that each of us experience as we let go of the person we loved so deeply but could not keep.

Are you even sorry? You fucking did it again. You are with a woman again, married her too – I feel bad for her, I feel sorry for you that you need to still put up this facade.

I don’t have a crystal ball, but I’m willing to bet one of my arms right now that she’s miserable. Just know this – We are not your salve for social expectations. We are not your ticket into some goddamn afterlife. We don’t deserve deceit, we don’t deserve your lies.

And, we definitely don’t need to compromise our health owing to your secret sex life. We deserve love and to be loved for who we are.
The one good thing to come out of being with you – I was clueless before meeting you. I now realize the importance of standing up for LGBT rights and I speak up whenever I hear gay slurs and stereotypes. I truly hope I live to see that day when gay men and women no longer have to live a lie, to suppress their sexuality, to shatter their own dreams and that of their partners with empty, broken promises, to be cruel and physically, emotionally abusive against people who love and respect them.

My heart slams against my ribs when I think of the slaughtered nights I spent crying, guessing, believing, hoping and loving you – the time I annihilated while I waited like someone doing a life sentence!

Yet you still continue to wear your mask. It is a deeply evil thing to do.

149 thoughts on “The Door Of No Return

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